I got problems...

I can see your smirk as you read the title.

Everybody has problems, right? It's the tie that binds. It's the circle of life. It's the reality of a breathing human being. Problems. I got 'em, you've got 'em, apparently Jay-Z's got close to 100 of 'em (99 I think).

But, and I could be wrong, I am convinced that most of our problems aren't really problems. Let me explain: There's a great little outdated book we're reading in our team meetings (we're one chapter away from finishing it) called, The 17 Essential Qualities of a Team Player. In it, there's this chapter on problems. The main point of this particular chapter is to encourage a team to see problems as opportunities. Get it? Silver lining.

Without rehashing the whole chapter, I've come to the understanding (and agreement) that not everything we may see as a problem is a problem. Again, let me attempt to explain. Something is a problem when I label it as a problem. That wasn't meant to be a Pollyanna statement, but I guess it could be conceived as such. Sometimes, we face set backs, inconveniences, and obstacles. Every real problem must have a solution, right? When I call something a problem I am, inevitably, setting up a course of action. If one way of thinking (or acting) created a problem, it is quite logical that a different way of thinking (or acting) can solve it, right?

Maybe. But I get caught up with the set backs, inconveniences, and obstacles. Face it, those things absolutely, unequivocally, undoubtedly, suck. From beltway backups to stubbed toes, from bad diagnoses to rattle and hums, from micromanaging bosses to idiot ex girlfriends (yes, they are all idiots), I don't like set backs, inconveniences, and obstacles.

But, that's life. Not everything is a problem; there are things that just get in the way. But problems can be solved. Everyone sees problems.

But

Not

Everyone

Sees

Solutions.

Those who see solutions are the best teammates in the world. Anybody can recognize a problem (or a set back). Not everybody can see the other side. Not everybody can drive energy around the solution. Not everybody can take a team on an energy filled course to resolution.

Problems are like exercise (really). They hurt at first, but then they help. They help when it hurts so bad that change must happen. Sometimes, we won't change without the pain. Most times, we won't stretch until we start hurting. Problems stretch us. When we're faced with problems, according to the aforementioned book, we do one of four things:

1. Run away from it (avoid it)
2. Fight it (resist it)
3. Forget it (deny it)
4. Face it (confront it)

I have a lengthy track history in most of those (especially the resisting one). Only when I come to a mature way of thinking do I face the problem and confront it for what it is. When I confront it, I am forced to think about it. No problem can withstand the power of sustained thinking. When I confront it, I pray about it. It's amazing how focused on solutions we can become if we think and pray (not necessarily in that order). Both are important. God gave us a brain, two ears, and one mouth that has the ability to close. Our brains and our ears don't close so well once they're engaged.

So, what's your problem? How are you looking at it? Try seeing the solution. I promise that if you can, you will be encouraged when you interact with the other side of it. 

My Notes: Necessary Endings (Henry Cloud)

I read this book last fall, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I picked it up (ebook) at a time when I had some difficult decisions to make regarding ministry development (I'm a pastor). For some reason, we, in the church, especially, think of endings as failures (someone quits our team, we end our process, etc.). I love how Henry Cloud breaks this down and deconstructs this damaging thinking. I also appreciate the heart and spirit with which he communicates. Being a follower of Jesus, he clearly takes the time needed to align action and faith. This subject matter explodes with tangible value for relationships, personnel, leadership, and personal development.

Here's some of the highlights I made in the book, along with some limited commentary (by me):

• "In a false reality, hope is the worst quality you can have."
  (This quote especially broke through to me regarding a reality I was avoiding with a particular person on my team. Sometimes, people don't want to lead no matter how bad I think they could, or should. Building false realities are too common for us in ministry... God has given us faith and common sense.)
• "In the absence of real, objective reasons to think that more time is going to help, it is probably time for some type of necessary ending."
• "If you are in a hole, rule number one is to stop digging."
  (This reminded me of a Dave Ramsey rant.)
• "What reason, other than the fact that I want this to work, do I have for believing that tomorrow is going to be different than today?"
  (What a vital question to answer! If it is just desire, then change/ transformation will probably be out of reach.)
• "Promises by someone who has a history of letting you down in a relationship mean nothing certain in terms of the future."
• "It is not irrational to listen to a crazy idea from a proven sane performer. It is often irrational to listen to a seemingly good idea from a proven nonperformer."
  (Story of my life. Thank God I produce enough to be listened to by my team. lol)
• "How do you know when to have hope for the future of someone's changes? Look at the degree to which you are having to drive the process. That is one of the strongest indicators of what is going to happen."
  (Bold emphasis mine. For some reason, I feel this is a parenting tip...)
• "The strategy for foolish people is simple: Quit talking about the problem and clearly communicate that because talking is not helping, you are going to take steps to protect what is important to you, the mission, or other people. Give limits that stop the collateral damage of their refusal to change, and where appropriate, give consequences that will cause them to feel the pain of their choice to not listen."
  (Simple. Direct. Challenging. Consequential. I can't detail how valuable this quote is when it comes to ending a conversation and commencing to action.)
• "...I cannot have them [the foolish] putting their foot on the brake while I am putting mine on the accelerator."
  (This will kill an organization or a team: to have a non performer be allowed to thrive without consequences.)
• "A deadline without consequences is not much of a deadline. So promise consequences for making and missing the deadline, and deliver them."
•  "As a rule, the more immediate the feedback, the better the performance."
• "At some point, if you are a leader, sometimes you have to lead, even when no one wants to follow."
  (This is a hard quote, but a true one. Especially hard for pastors, because we are supposed to be leading people in following Jesus, right?)
• "Part of maturity is getting to the place where we can let go of one wish in order to have another. So, if you feel resistance about executing a certain ending, figure out what two or more desires are in conflict, admit to yourself that you can only have one, and then ask yourself this question: Which one am I willing to give up to have the other one?"
• "You have to be able to face losing some things you might want in order to be free to do the right thing. If you can't, you are stuck."
  (Too many of us are stuck in bad relationships, bad jobs, bad teams, bad realities, because we lack the courage needed to do the right thing. If the point of change is to just avoid the bad things, we are missing the point. The point is to be healthy followers of Jesus in the midst of conflict. If we can hold to our values and boundaries, how is that healthy? Change my heart, God, to do the things that I know are right, not just for my immediate comfort.)
• "When people are throwing up resistances to a certain decision, have everyone sign off on the consequences as a group."
  (Man, is this powerful. I have actually done this a few times since reading this book)
• John Kotter suggests how to deal with people who aren't willing to listen (he calls them NoNo people): His three strategies are to distract them, push them out of the organization, or expose them to the power of the group."
  (I prefer his third strategy... it packs the biggest, most healthy punch for communication and transition)

So, that's my highlights and some personal notes on it. I highly recommend this book. I feel it has helped me personally, professionally, and in my own growth to be more like Jesus (not trying to single out that last one as a separate reality from the other two, I just felt it needed emphasizing. Of course, following Jesus is holistic.). 

Follow the link to purchase on Amazon.

True religion looks like...

My friend lost her mom today.


But, it's not really her mom.


But, she sort of is...




See, back when she went to college, a woman opened her large, Victorian home for her to live in. Room and board are important things to a college student. A relationship developed. My friend has a vast family history. A few months back, she started telling me her connection to all of her siblings... I was quickly confused. Even though she comes from a large family, it is disoersed. A dispersed family is often a non existent family. They're not mean spirited, it's just the way it is, ya know? So, she got adopted as a college student. Odd, huh?


She lived in the attic in a suite that could grace a CS Lewis fantasy book. Dark, hard woods and majestic views into the state park that was lovingly dubbed, "the back yard." I still don't quite understand how the arrangement was made, but it doesn't matter. She developed a family relationship. Quite frankly, she was taken in.


Fast forward some 30 years. My friend, who has kept in touch with her adopted "mom", decides to leave her executive position and move in to be a caretaker for her. Imagine this: a strong businesswoman has a successful (executive) career and she leaves it all to be a caretaker. It sounds a bit like a work of fiction... kind of like a children's book that encourages one to do the right thing. The adopted becomes the adoptee. "Mom" has family, but, similarly, they are dispersed.


My friend works from home, makes the money she can, and cares for "mom" in the same Victorian house that was home for several semesters. This time, she will live here for several years. Care taking is a full time job in itself. Aside from actual personal care, there are administrative considerations, events, hair appointments, and the like. Every year, there's a huge birthday party. Mom turns 90...91...92...93... The birthdays become big events at the house. Mom gets frail and moves into assisted care. Birthday parties continue. 94...95... "This woman is gonna outlive everyone!", my friend would say.


Today, mom passed. She lived a long life, being blessed and filled with the care from my friend. My friend is crushed. I understand why. These two people loved each other.


The book of James says that true religion, the kind that God accepts as pure and faultless, is the care and concern for the orphan and the widow in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you. Now, my friend is not an orphan, and neither was her mom, literally. But, I believe they cared for each other a lot. And, neither of them allowed culture, the world, to corrupt the love that lives deep inside. I can draw some parallels, and I think the lessons here are numerous. On the outside looking in, I am learning more about God's personal love. Don't let your love become dormant, love one another. Would I care for someone like that? Would I take in the college kid who needs help? Would I quit my career to care for someone? Truly, these actions come from a motivation not dominant in our world. Can I love another person purely, enough to where it hurts me?


It's sad. Grief is not fun. I hope I can say the right words and bring some comfort for my friend. But, I am challenged by this story. I think, in some strange way, I just witnessed a modern day teaching of Jesus.


My friend lost her mom today.


It really was her mom.


Really.

The day after...

Yesterday, we remembered Sept. 11 and the ten years since. I went to church, led prayer and participated in remembering with everyone else. The images, the feelings, and the heartbreak seem to be as real. I think we, as a nation, are somewhere between anger and acceptance.

I remember ten years ago. I was in college. I had just skipped my 8am class and was watching SportsCenter, stretched out on the couch. Then it happened, and I quickly turned to a cable news channel. I saw the second plane hit live on tv, and the reporter lost it. They cut her audio immediately. I knew what was happening, but doubted whether I was right. Unfortunately, every fear would be confirmed over the next few hours. No one went to class that day, we were all frozen. Two of my friends lost parents. Several people I knew lost friends. Everyone lost innocence. Terror has a new definition when you experience it.

Yesterday, I relived those moments a few times on stage. While leading our church in prayer, the emotion of the memory crept in through my words. It was hard, a couple of times, to stay composed. I don't know what all of this means, but I do know that we have forged ahead. I know we are building things back: the buildings, our lives, our economy, our faith.

The day after 9/11 was real, too. The crash sites were still smoldering. The hope of finding life seemed to fade like a quick winter sunset. The coldness of tragedy had further to sink in. Horrible. It was this day after, ten years ago, no one talks about very much, except those who experienced the most tragedy. For some taking framed pictures to the sites in hopes of finding dad, for some getting an all too sudden confirmation call about family...the dam was leaking even more. On the day after 9/11, more tragedy blossomed.

The day after 9/11, we also began to heal. Just like a gushing flesh wound, it seemed that we were desperately trying to just put pressure on the wound. The blood was furiously gushing. But in the midst of the trauma, true to form, our healers emerged. Firefighters, doctors, police, nurses, and many in the helping professions kept traveling to the sites. We wasted no time when it came to begin healing, even if that meant more sacrifice.

Several people I know hate thinking about national pride and faith together, but in this moment, I know no other conversation. I am grateful that God continues to show his nature through his creation. Yes, tragedy happened, and there are questions that ask why and blame the same God. However, the nature of God is to renew and heal through sacrifice. Jesus is proof of that. I don't like some parts of the story, but I know that I don't understand it all, either. National pride? I suppose, to some extent, because this is my country and my community. I am proud that God used us all.

Yes, God answers prayer through us, creation. The very thing that can never be crushed is this reality.

Romans 8:38-45

New Living Translation (NLT)

 ³⁸ And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[a] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. ³⁹ No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Honest Reactions

We've had quite the few weeks: end of summer, earthquake(s), hurricane, my daughter just got tubes in her ears... So, I have some reactions to a few things, now that they're behind us all (somewhat).

End of Summer:

• I'm glad school is back in session. Starbucks is less crowded with the minors, and the "grumpy old man" part of my personality appreciates that.
  
• We had a great series on movies and God this summer. It was a lot of fun and I enjoyed teaching in it. I hope we do something even cooler next summer.
• Lucy (my kid) spent a little more than two weeks with her grandparents. It sure was nice to catch up on some sleep, and I think the grandparents enjoyed it as well. However, we were happier to have her back each time. I have a feeling that missing her when she's away will only get worse from here.
  
• My wife is entering her final FALL semester at Loyola Grad School. I'm so proud of her. She has a little bit of work left in her degree, and it will be challenging. BUT, she'll knock it out of the park, I have no doubt. We're entertaining all job offers, so if you have a school counseling position available, nab her up asap. Your school will be better with Shauna.
  

Earthquake(s)

• I was sitting in Panera when it happened. I honestly thought my friend, Liz, was shaking the back of my chair. When I realized it wasn't her, I was confused and thought I had vertigo. When I made eye contact with her, and realized what was happening, I instantly became freaked out.
  
• When I say freaked out, I mean it in a "Oh, Lord, the earth is moving and I can't quite wrap my head around this moment enough to react" kind of way. I guess I was in shock.
  
• Afterwards, I felt the best reaction was one of gratitude and levity. So, I took the next few hours to make myself and those around me laugh.
  
• We have a lot to be thankful and grateful for. We didn't experience casualties or anything like that. In fact, others (Californians) chose to make fun of us for our shock and awe. I understand, I do the same thing to them when it rains.
  

Hurricane Irene:

• Again, we're pretty blessed. I'll admit the media coverage annoyed me. It was apocalyptic. We cancelled our church services, and that annoyed me. I love getting together with my church.
  
• Honestly, I was pretty annoyed by the caution and coverage. I really think things get over-dramatized. However, now I am hearing that over 40 people have been killed in this storm. I don't think any of those families are thinking like me...none of them are annoyed by the caution and coverage. Every family is grieving, and I am not experiencing that. My family is ok, we never lost power, and the only thing that really happened is the latch on my back gate is warped. I am so blessed.
  
• Now, I'm annoyed when I hear the pleas for prayer for schools to be cancelled for another day, power to not be interrupted, cable TV to come back on, and our luxurious lives to return to normal. May I suggest we count our blessings, and try to de-prioritize our luxuries? I'm speaking to myself, mostly. I cannot imagine the horror of losing my wife or my daughter. May I also suggest we pray and think of those folks who are not experiencing our blessings? May we actually be able to be the love of God to someone? There's a lesson in here, somewhere, I'm sure.
  
• I'm thankful we were prepared, especially in ways I will never know. Big shout outs to you public service peeps who care. Thank you. And thank God, that not only am I safe, but I have an opportunity to bring healing and love to someone else (you know, the whole freely give type of thing).
  

My daughter just got tubes in her ears:

• Literally, like 3 hours ago. She woke up from the minor/ quick surgery and she was pissed. There's nicer words to use, but pissed pretty much sums it up. I can't blame her.
  
• Now, I think she is eating breakfast and feeling better. She's had 6+ ear infections since June, and she needed the tubes.
• Again, we're blessed to have the medical care we have. God is so good.
  

So, there's some ramblings and reactions. My feelings change with the wind, and I feel that I'm learning and growing through everything. Hope everything with you and yours is doing well, and you realize how truly blessed you are. Once you realize your blessings, you notice where you can bring healing, dignity, help, acceptance, and love. True self reflection leads to more and more outward focus.

Why so quiet?

God speaks. I read about that in the Bible. I hear people tell stories of God has “spoken” to them. I pray and wait for God’s booming, cloud splitting voice and...nothing. Know the feeling?

It always seems that the moments I really want God to speak loudly, he becomes the most quiet. Why is that? I don’t know. I speculate. I wonder what he would say if he were physically across from me right now.

The times when I really need input are the times that I seem to put more pressure on him. Why so serious, God? Just speak up. Why don’t you answer me? At times, I feel like I’m acting out an Adam Sandler movie rant.



Following Jesus has certainly been irritating, at times. When it seems that God is silent is definitely one of them. I suppose my expectations are for him to answer me like I would answer...loud and fast. Maybe with more fanfare, ya know, a lightning bolt and thunderclap or two. The difficult reality is that I’m not God, nor is He me. That’s a never ending reality shift and, on the surface I totally support it, but deep within I wrestle with.

God isn’t me. He does speak, and he does in his own way, much like me and my daughter. I love my girl, she has just turned one. She has her own language. This morning, it sounded like she was practicing her vowels...AHHH, EHHH, OOOOOH! over and over and over. It was so cute. Her mom and I are teaching her what NO means (it seems like a never ending battle), and we wonder if she ever really hears us. Occasionally, she’ll impress me. For instance, she has this little doll she carries around. Her mom and I will say to her, “love the baby!” and she will hug and give it a sloppy open mouth kiss (more like a bite), and she’ll make happy noises. I love that. The other day, I asked her, “Where is your baby?” and she walked across the room, picked up the doll, and brought it back to me. I was impressed. She actually seemed to understand what I said and brought her doll to me. I have been talking to this child ever since she was born. She is just now beginning to recognize and respond with a bit of understanding. It’s fun to watch.

I can’t help but think that I’m this way with God. He has said so much to me that I probably don’t even realize. His word, his creation, his presence. Paul talks about how all of creation is telling God’s story (Romans 1). How much am I not getting? When I do occasionally “get it” is he impressed? I suppose it’s all about growing.

One of the biggest “getting it” moments I have had centers around a verse in Revelation 3:7: “Write this letter to the angel of the church in Philadelphia. This is the message from the one who is holy and true, the one who has the key of David. What he opens, no one can close; and what he closes, no one can open:”

The last part of that verse is key: “What he opens, no one can close; and what he closes, no one can open.” Here’s my AH HA! moment: God can open and close whatever he chooses. Brilliantly simple, no? This has resulted in my prayer: “God, you see what is lying before me, you see the decision I have to make, you see who will be affected, you know how I will be changed; continue to open the door or slam it shut. Give me your wisdom and discernment. I’m trusting you. If I begin moving in the wrong direction, make it obvious to me, and slam the door shut. In the same way, continue to open the doors and make the way clear for me. Only you can open the doors that no one can close, and only you can close the doors that no one can open.”

So basically, if something doesn’t work out, it is a great answer, in my opinion. If a door continues to open, I am also blessed (and a bit more encouraged than when it slams shut). I’m on this journey with a God who wants me to understand, speak his language, and not be blinded by my surroundings. I can’t help but think that, sometimes, He gets a kick out of my efforts and proudly tells the story of when I understood. I want to be that kid more often.

The Sacred Shelf

The Sacred Shelf

There is a shelf in my office with books on it. Sure, there are quite a few shelves like it, but one shelf in particular holds 7 books that I hold sacred. These books are incredibly special to me. Each of these books have impacted my life in real ways; my life changed when I read these books for the first time. My life continues to change as I reread them each year. Two of them are written to pastors, but all of them are relevant and powerful. My notes and a few autographs make these books irreplaceable (to me). I wouldn’t sell them. No way.

So here, in no particular order, is my sacred shelf. Read through it and see if there is something that peaks your interest. Let me encourage you to read. Reading continues to change my life.

1. Under the Unpredictable Plant: An Exploration in Vocational Holiness, by Eugene Peterson. Eugene is my favorite author. You may recognize his name as the guy who paraphrased The Message Bible. I got him to autograph this copy. It is worn and highlighted. He wrote it back in the 80‘s (way before it’s time, in my opinion). This book is what pushed me over the edge to pursue vocational ministry. It is direct, it is challenging, it is uncomfortably authentic. My favorite quote: “A successful writer will discover a workable plot and write the same book over and over all his life to the immense satisfaction of his readers. The readers can be literary without thinking or dealing with truth. Prostitute writer. A successful pastor will discover a workable program and repeat it in congregation after congregation to the immense satisfaction of her parishioners. The church members can be religious without praying or dealing with God. Prostitute pastor.”
   
   
2. Pentecostal Theology and the Christian Spiritual Tradition by Simon Chan. This is a book where I get really nerdy. It isn’t a book, really...it is a journal from the Pentecostal Theology Supplemental Series. It is also out of print and very difficult to find. Anyway, Chan talks in this book on how Pentecostal tradition has defined “Baptism in the Holy Spirit” and he gives clear and researched arguments for traditioning, implementation, tongues, and how the church lives. It is a very practical and “normal” way to interpret tongues in the various contexts. I hate the stigmas that Pentecostals have inherited, and, I feel, if more people were to study Chan’s work, it could be lived out differently and in a more normal way. (So much for ShakeyourbonbonIseethebikini...say it fast...it’s like talking in tongues)
   
   
3. (Re)Understanding Prayer by Kyle Lake. Wonderful, practical book on prayer. Kyle was a pastor in Texas (University Baptist) when he wrote this book. I love it. Very readable and simple. He also speaks my Gen-X language. Kyle died several years ago. This book is great.
   
   
4. The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman. It is a foundational book that all couples should read. “Brilliant cheese” is my one liner review. He’s old school, he’s old, and he’s cheesy...but the material is golden. I require all the couples I counsel to read and discuss this book with me (along with Dave Ramsey’s book on money). If you read and apply the principles here, your relationships will be better off. I reread it to stay grounded and challenged to love my wife and my daughter in their own unique way.
   
   
5. A Tale of Three Kings: A Study in Brokenness by Gene Edwards. Classic leadership and brokenness book. I usually have interns and young staff leaders read this book with me in coaching. It is written as a poetic expression of three leaders and three perspectives. It is a very ground level book for leadership, in my opinion.
   
   
6. The Way of the Heart: Desert Spirituality and Contemporary Ministry by Henri Nouwen. This is quite possibly one of the only books that have made me sit in a fetal position and rock back and forth. It is hauntingly personal and developmental for a spiritual experience. It covers three disciplines and weaves their importance altogether: silence, solitude, and prayer. I thought about becoming a monk after reading this the first time. It is deep. It is challenging. Read with caution.
   
   
7. In the Name of Jesus: Reflections on Christian Leadership by Henri Nouwen. Henri made the shelf twice! That’s only because he was brilliant (he’s dead). This book is a response of his own leadership findings after a huge life transition. He speaks to the leadership and the big temptations of Christ (to be relevant, spectacular, and powerful). Truly a brilliant work. Very small book, but packs power in its punch. If you are a leader and haven’t read this book, stop and go buy it.
   

So, what are your favs? Do you have books (or blogs or whatever) that have changed your life? Care to share?