I've been fortunate to have made some major decisions in life, and not screw up too badly.
I think the biggest decisions have been:
- Where to go to school
- Who to marry
- Which job to take
- When to move
- Where to move
These types of decisions are never easy. I think, each time, there was a moment when I would look up in the sky (or at the ceiling) and just beg God to show me what to do. It went something like, "Ok, if you'll just tell me what to do, then I promise I will... (insert something absurd like pray for 3 hours every day)." Sidebar: some people pray three hours a day on purpose and those people are better than me.
Ok, back to reality. I don't go into big decisions lightly, especially now that I am a dad. Where to live, what to do, how much money to make (or say no to); all of these are decisions that affect more than me at this point. It was scary enough when it just involved me. Now there's all this adult responsibility. At some point in my life, I think it was about three years ago, I inadvertently felt an exponentially heavy weight of responsibility.
So, what to do? How to make these decisions? How much risk to take? I have learned that these moments, although monumental, come down to two things: values and discernment.
First thing: Values.
I can't make the best decision for my family if I don't know what we value. For the past few years, we have had goals (wants): finish grad school (my wife), be the best parents we know how, and make friends. These wants are all centered around our values. It doesn't take a formal family meeting to determine these, just a good memory. Simply answer this question: what is so important to my family that we are willing to be punished for it? Sounds scary, huh. Think about it. For us, we were willing to lose income and tighten our budget to help get Shauna (mom, wife) through grad school. Now, is the value grad school? No. The value is helping each other accomplish our wants (goals). About five years ago now, our family was willing to be uprooted (with some kicking and screaming) for me to take a job outside of Baltimore. The punishment, or so it felt, was an uprooting of comfort (leaving close family, leaving hometown, putting distance between us and close relationships, having to do the hard work of building new friendships). Why? We felt it was God's will? Absolutely. But, from a values standpoint, it was a big step for me to take the job because it moved me closer to a goal (want) of being an influential leader in a church.
Second thing: Discernment.
This one is a bit trickier and it is more art than science. There is a passage in the Bible, Revelation 3. In this chapter, John (the author) makes a statement about God. He says "God can open doors that no man can open and he can close doors that no man can close." This statement has become my prayer and mantra when making huge decisions. This statement about God says that his yes is always better than my no, and his no is always better than my yes. So, I pray this prayer: "God, make the open doors obvious. Make the closed doors obvious. If a door is opening, help me see and understand when to walk through it. In the same way, slam doors shut and help me not to force my own wants."
Obviously, if my family has values (that have been derived through history and prayer), then these will be valued in the doors that open and close. That's what I believe about God, anyway. I really think he guides our values (wants) and the journey of life. I see my job, as the spiritual leader of my family, as simply recognizing big decisions as moments where our values get stronger and where I sense/ hear/ see all the variables either opening or closing the door. And, I pray that God will be the master conductor of the entire show.
Finally, a story example:
When we were making the decision to move to Maryland (about five years ago), we made a demand on God. My wife and I, after prayer, said that we wouldn't move to Maryland if our house didn't sell. We basically told God what the open door should look like. Almost five years later: we've been in Maryland (we moved) and we still haven't sold our home in NC. BUT, God has provided a tenant to rent our home. In this economic quicksand environment, we have actually been able to make money on our home during this time and keep our investment. We've had a total of 2 months, this whole time, without a tenant. Last month, our property manager informed us that as of August 31 that our tenant would be moving out (end of lease). We prayed. We trusted God. Yesterday a new tenant moved in. Sometimes, we create our own doors and God gently reminds us that it takes a combination of risk and faith to discern the right doors.
We're not always perfect at this, but as we grow older, our values and discernment are becoming more clear. That's my prayer, anyway.
