I encounter this conversation too many times each month:
"I was talking with some folks, who don't want to be named, and they think..."
Whether you're a pastor, like me, a teacher, a used car salesman, a nun, a candidate for president... someone will always have a complaint or suggestion.
Sure, it could be a valid concern, complaint, or warning... but, let's be honest; 99% of the time we're not dealing with life or death when it comes to these conversations. Most of the time, for me, it's the music volume or temperature in the church's building.
Sometimes the comments are harmless. Sometimes they're hurtful complaints. Every time they're nameless, faceless, bloodless balls of content that need diffusing. Anytime I am approached by a faceless, nameless "they", I feel a tinge of danger. This communication is one sided; simply, dictatorial. And, it isn't really healthy at all.
Let me ask this question: if someone wants me to know what they're thinking but nothing about who they are, does that seem deceptive? It does to me.
So, what do I do? Well, I used to ignore them, ahem, I mean, "they." One time, I thought about using social media and several communications platforms to hold "they" more accountable. I can be very good with words, arrogant and mean, even.
After several years (10+) of working in God's church, I think both of these strategies are dumb.
Consequently, there needs to be a reply. The reply needs to be compassionate, loving, empathetic. Regardless of how I feel, there must be a mature response to the collective, elusive, anonymous "they."
But how do you communicate with a person you don't know? How do you do that with compassion? How do you interpret the statements and look for truth?
Here's a few strategies, yes, strategies, I use:
1. Refuse to have a conversation with anonymous.
Seems easy, right? As soon as I hear "they" through someone else, I, as lovingly as I know how, interrupt. I usually say something like, "I know it takes a lot of work to say something for someone else, but I need you to know that I am not interested in having one way conversations. If the person you're speaking for would like to talk to me, I would be happy to speak with him (her)."
Now, the person will persist, and I will have to be assertive. Again, this is to be done in love. Assertiveness with love is helpful. Arrogance with personal agenda is damning (for leaders, especially). Do this enough times and "they" get the hint.
2. Make myself available.
One of the easy ways to not have these conversations is to never be present. Avoid people at all cost and these conversations will end because I am inaccessible.
The truth is, if I have these conversations in love, there can be some growth that happens. Imagine it, the elusive "they" finally gaining the courage to have a conversation. Embracing relationship is always more vulnerable than avoiding it.
Even if I disagree with the content, the relationship is the point. Remember, we love people not because of who they are, but because of who we are: children of God saved by the love of Jesus.
3. Don't take it personal.
Most of the time, the "they" will shout their message so loud you will hear it. Many times, it will hurt.
In these times, I go to a little folder in my desk (or an email or FB message) where I collect affirming content. Scriptures, notes, cards. There's so many good things I am doing for God's kingdom. It is very easy to look at the canvas and recognize a speck over the beautiful piece of art.
Remind yourself consistently of who God says you are. Don't take a faceless, nameless, bloodless person's words too seriously. Heck, take God's word more seriously than anyone else's. This takes reading, time, and practice. Do that and you'll think differently.
