My Notes: Necessary Endings (Henry Cloud)

I read this book last fall, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I picked it up (ebook) at a time when I had some difficult decisions to make regarding ministry development (I'm a pastor). For some reason, we, in the church, especially, think of endings as failures (someone quits our team, we end our process, etc.). I love how Henry Cloud breaks this down and deconstructs this damaging thinking. I also appreciate the heart and spirit with which he communicates. Being a follower of Jesus, he clearly takes the time needed to align action and faith. This subject matter explodes with tangible value for relationships, personnel, leadership, and personal development.

Here's some of the highlights I made in the book, along with some limited commentary (by me):

• "In a false reality, hope is the worst quality you can have."
  (This quote especially broke through to me regarding a reality I was avoiding with a particular person on my team. Sometimes, people don't want to lead no matter how bad I think they could, or should. Building false realities are too common for us in ministry... God has given us faith and common sense.)
• "In the absence of real, objective reasons to think that more time is going to help, it is probably time for some type of necessary ending."
• "If you are in a hole, rule number one is to stop digging."
  (This reminded me of a Dave Ramsey rant.)
• "What reason, other than the fact that I want this to work, do I have for believing that tomorrow is going to be different than today?"
  (What a vital question to answer! If it is just desire, then change/ transformation will probably be out of reach.)
• "Promises by someone who has a history of letting you down in a relationship mean nothing certain in terms of the future."
• "It is not irrational to listen to a crazy idea from a proven sane performer. It is often irrational to listen to a seemingly good idea from a proven nonperformer."
  (Story of my life. Thank God I produce enough to be listened to by my team. lol)
• "How do you know when to have hope for the future of someone's changes? Look at the degree to which you are having to drive the process. That is one of the strongest indicators of what is going to happen."
  (Bold emphasis mine. For some reason, I feel this is a parenting tip...)
• "The strategy for foolish people is simple: Quit talking about the problem and clearly communicate that because talking is not helping, you are going to take steps to protect what is important to you, the mission, or other people. Give limits that stop the collateral damage of their refusal to change, and where appropriate, give consequences that will cause them to feel the pain of their choice to not listen."
  (Simple. Direct. Challenging. Consequential. I can't detail how valuable this quote is when it comes to ending a conversation and commencing to action.)
• "...I cannot have them [the foolish] putting their foot on the brake while I am putting mine on the accelerator."
  (This will kill an organization or a team: to have a non performer be allowed to thrive without consequences.)
• "A deadline without consequences is not much of a deadline. So promise consequences for making and missing the deadline, and deliver them."
•  "As a rule, the more immediate the feedback, the better the performance."
• "At some point, if you are a leader, sometimes you have to lead, even when no one wants to follow."
  (This is a hard quote, but a true one. Especially hard for pastors, because we are supposed to be leading people in following Jesus, right?)
• "Part of maturity is getting to the place where we can let go of one wish in order to have another. So, if you feel resistance about executing a certain ending, figure out what two or more desires are in conflict, admit to yourself that you can only have one, and then ask yourself this question: Which one am I willing to give up to have the other one?"
• "You have to be able to face losing some things you might want in order to be free to do the right thing. If you can't, you are stuck."
  (Too many of us are stuck in bad relationships, bad jobs, bad teams, bad realities, because we lack the courage needed to do the right thing. If the point of change is to just avoid the bad things, we are missing the point. The point is to be healthy followers of Jesus in the midst of conflict. If we can hold to our values and boundaries, how is that healthy? Change my heart, God, to do the things that I know are right, not just for my immediate comfort.)
• "When people are throwing up resistances to a certain decision, have everyone sign off on the consequences as a group."
  (Man, is this powerful. I have actually done this a few times since reading this book)
• John Kotter suggests how to deal with people who aren't willing to listen (he calls them NoNo people): His three strategies are to distract them, push them out of the organization, or expose them to the power of the group."
  (I prefer his third strategy... it packs the biggest, most healthy punch for communication and transition)

So, that's my highlights and some personal notes on it. I highly recommend this book. I feel it has helped me personally, professionally, and in my own growth to be more like Jesus (not trying to single out that last one as a separate reality from the other two, I just felt it needed emphasizing. Of course, following Jesus is holistic.). 

Follow the link to purchase on Amazon.